Frail

Valerie says suicide is the action of stupid cowards.


I lay on the cricket pitch in the middle of the school field yesterday. Many students stared at me from the Form Six block, and some from the road leading in from the main gate. Eventually, the guard and Mr Yusoff came up to me. Mr Yusoff spoke.

"Orang tak waras saja yang buat macam ni."
"Saya memang..."
"Apa? Awak tak waras?... Nak tidur, balik rumah. Pergi, balik kelas. Tak nak balik kelas, balik rumah."
"Kalau macam itu, saya balik rumah."
"Baliklah."

I ended up staying in school. I just wanted to be alone.

It was really something, standing in the rain the day before yesterday.

* * * * *

This was the Every Day with Jesus reading yesterday. The words would not let me go. Paul, in writing to the Colossians, was describing what the Christian life ought to be like. I realise that, as time passes, I am slipping away from this description.

I know these words to be true. But is this period of confusion just a phase, or something that will shape me for life?

(It's a long passage, but one that's definitely worth reading, especially if you've never read it before. I know you want to scroll down, but trust me on this; read it.)

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

--Colossians 3:1-17 (NIV)


For today's devotion, Selwyn wrote:

If you have any doubt about the power of love to outlast everything, take a look at history. The men and women of hate have gone down like ninepins... Jesus, the Man of Love, has remained unaffected by every assault and tempest, and emerges at this point in time as unequalled.

I asked Li-Shia yesterday, "When does history ever remember the good guys?"

Today, these words reminded me of what I have so blindly missed all this while. It is as Max Lucado wrote: The cross leaves no room for neutrality; you can do anything to it but ignore it.

Jesus stopped me in my frenzied run.

* * * * *

Two people with very similar initials, C.L.S. and C.S.L. respectively. Both irrevocably shaped the path my life would take, bringing me to where I am now.


Li-Shia once asked me, "What happened to the simple things that made you happy?"

I think I could be happy then because I wasn't completely human. But being close and emotionally bound to a person makes you vulnerable; thaws the iciest of hearts; warms the coldest soul; makes a human out of a reptile.

In many ways, I am more human now than ever before. And humans are insatiable. They are not like the angels who need nothing material.


C.S. Lewis offers a sympathetic view of humanity in his poem, Angel's Song.

I know not, I,
What the men together say,
How lovers, lovers die
And youth passes away.

Cannot understand
Love that mortal bears
To native, native land,
All lands are theirs;

Why at grave they grieve
For one voice and face,
And not, and not receive
Another in its place.

I above the cone
Of the circling night
Flying, never have known
Less or greater light.

Sorrow it is they call
This cup whence my lip
(Woe's me!) never in all
My endless days can sip.


How true is the second stanza! All lands are ours, yet why do I feel patriotic?

And could it be that the angels long to taste our sorrow?

* * * * *

Frail
by Jars of Clay

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would
A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

Chorus:
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be
I would be

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seems to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide
Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

(Chorus)

I would be
I would be
Frail

I sang the chorus of this song again and again while lying in the field. And I thought of T.S. Eliot's words in 'East Coker';

"In that open field
If you do not come too close, if you do not come too close..."


In my previous entry, I wrote that pain is the way to cure a hurt. I now know that to be true. But the pain is not to be ours.

The last lines of the second verse, "Your pain becomes my peace", drove a hard-hitting point home to me: although we all suffer, and sometimes even want to suffer, the challenge is to let Jesus suffer for us. We can only take so much, but he took it all.

Will we be able to say, as Paul did, "Your grace is sufficient for me"?

* * * * *

Dear Li-Shia, I'm so sorry for the last few days, and especially what I did this morning. God was calling, but I wasn't listening.

I kept asking, what should I do with all these pent-up emotions? Again and again I saw the cross before me -- the cross that calls to all of us, saying, "You can leave all your burdens here. You cannot carry them, but I can."

I just didn't want to yield, to surrender.

Often our problems are beyond each other's help, beyond even the reach of human ability. In such moments, let's drive each other to the One who knows best.

You may not like the song, but the words are true: sometimes you can't make it on your own.

Thanks for standing by me. =*