The past week has been very eventful, and it seems the Great God Experiment is giving way to God himself. This is one entry I don't know how to begin, simply because so many thoughts are going through my head.
I think I'll divide this entry into seven sections: Fathers' Day, Pierre Dulaine, Sermon, Victorian Editorial Board (VEB), Letting Go, Moving On and Growing Up, and The Call. Some ideas may thread their way through several sections, but on the whole I think this is the most organised way to express the lessons learnt over the last seven days.
Fathers' Day
It struck me last Sunday, that someday I will carry on the legacy of my father and grandfathers. I pray that I will be as faithful in my duty as they are in theirs; not many thoughts here, but the idea of legacy got me thinking a little.
Sitting in church on Fathers' Day, a thought came to me. It goes something like this: Marriage is not about finding the 'love of my life' so much as it is a statement that I'm ready to be a father. And I realised that I can't be one until I've learnt to honour my 'fathers'.
The fifth commandment says, "Honour your father and mother." St Paul comments on it in Ephesians 6:1-3, which I quote here from The Message:
Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. "Honor your father and mother" is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, "so you will live well and have a long life."
'So that you will live well...' Does it sound selfish? Well, considering that Jesus Himself came to give us abundant, everlasting life, I don't think so. From the very creation of the universe, life has always been God's theme.
Honouring my father (my mother too, for that matter) involves coming to terms with my stubbornness, for indeed, I'm one heck of a stubborn nut! Yet I find that a greater challenge lies in honouring my non-biological 'fathers'. In primary school, the teachers used to call themselves the students' 'parents' in school. Which is quite true; teachers looked after us as their own children.
In the V.I., I grew disillusioned with the way things were run. This year, I thought of all kinds of malign ways to hurt the school admin, which is as much a useless body as anything I know. Yet this is the challenge: to honour them in spite of all the stupid things they do.
But in all I have done, I've always chosen to honour them. I have a photo of the debate team with our current principal on my piano. He was new at that time, two years ago. The State Finals was probably the first competitive event he attended as the Principal of the V.I. We won the debate, though I daresay he doesn't remember me now. No matter; I choose to honour.
In Luke 15, Jesus tells a parable of a rich man who forgives and welcomes back a totally wretched son who squandered his share of the family inheritance. The story has been called 'The Parable of the Prodigal Son', but I recall Uncle David Tan (of Phases) once saying that it was the father who was the prodigal. Mad as the son was to live in absolute hedonism, the father was even madder to treat the son like a king.
If a human told me God was like this, I would probably have laughed him in the face. But these are the words of Jesus, God incarnate. And God has always been the prodigal, giving grace to the scum of the earth, of which I am among the worst.
Pierre Dulaine
I watched the movie Take the Lead with Dad and Kevin yesterday. Antonio Banderas stars as Pierre Dulaine, a ballroom dancing teacher who changes the lives of a number of delinquent students in a multi-ethnic American high school by teaching them to dance with grace. It's based on a true story, and is full of great dance moves.
While the plot and dialogue were relatively thin, there's this one part where Dulaine says to the teens, "It's funny. I look around this room and all I see are choices to be made. No rejects. Maybe a punk-ass or two."
As I think of it, I find that Jesus might've said this to his disciples. I can certainly imagine the Pharisees going, "Why does your master dine with punk-asses?"
Sermon
Today at church, Pastor Stanley spoke on the 'Success of the Heart', contrasting mere competence and competence seasoned with compassion. He mentioned Jeremiah 17:9-10, here quoted from the NIV:
The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?
"I the LORD search the heart
and examine the mind,
to reward a man according to his conduct,
according to what his deeds deserve."
God searches the heart. There is nothing we can hide from him. Pastor asked, "Are we hiding behind our roles, which often become our masks? What about those in the Bible who did not hide their imperfections, but came out to be exposed, and in so doing were able to move on? Will the real Christians please stand up?"
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
Quoting from John 3:16, he commented that God put redemption above the destruction of evil. Wouldn't life be much easier if Satan were defeated first? Yet God valued free will so much that He tied His hands by giving us the freedom of choice. God does it still, and our power is such that if we choose to say 'No' to Him, He will not force his way into our lives.
At the end of the sermon, Pastor Stanley defined integrity as a oneness of what we are, what we do, and what we believe. It is about being salt and light. He provided an illustration: imagine if the penalty for stealing five sen were the same as that for a million ringgit. Would we say, "Both ways also we get whipped. Steal a million lah!"?
God's revolution is this: that we may do the right thing, and make the right choices. I thank God for bringing me closer to this, for over the past week I have been progressively stripped of my pride, and in the coming weeks I am likely to be subjected to humiliation and shame in varying degrees. But if being broken will bring me closer to my Master, let it be so.
V.E.B.
A few people in school, say, about three, know the whole story. I will not detail the circumstances here, but these friends of mine are reliable, and should I ever forget these events, I am sure they will ably recollect them for me.
The long and short of it is that I am no longer the Editor-in-Chief of the Victorian Editorial Board. I was dismissed from my position a week ago, on Monday. Presently, I feel very free, especially since my piano studies have also officially ended. As I mentioned in my previous entry, I'm looking for ways to fill up my time.
I do, however, have some questions for God, for I know no human can answer me at this time: "Why was I sent to the board? Why was I made an editor, and the chief at that, only to fail? Is this, along with the difficulties I faced as Editor-in-Chief of the Seladang Editorial Board two years ago, to show that I can never be a good editor, or simply preparatory steps that I may someday be one? Or is there some other reason?"
Letting Go
One of the most significant events in the life of David happened in 1 Samuel 24:
Saul went in [to the cave] to relieve himself. David and his men were far back in the cave. The men said, "This is the day the LORD spoke of when he said to you, 'I will give your enemy into your hands for you to deal with as you wish.'" Then David crept up unnoticed and cut off a corner of Saul's robe.
Afterward, David was conscience-stricken for having cut off a corner of his robe. He said to his men, "The LORD forbid that I should do such a thing to my master, the LORD's anointed, or lift my hand against him; for he is the anointed of the LORD." With these words David rebuked his men and did not allow them to attack Saul. And Saul left the cave and went his way.
No wonder David was called a 'man after God's own heart.'
When I consider four teachers in the school, I ask myself if I would do to them as David did to Saul. If ever we end up in a situation where I have the upper hand, will I spare them or end them? As Li-Shia was my witness last night, I swear I will not raise my hand against the anointed of the Lord, even if they are as corrupt as Saul.
I used to think I understood forgiveness. Miss Shanti thinks of me as a very forgiving person. But lately I am beginning to see that I seem forgiving only because I never had a chance to take revenge. But the measure of a man is tested when he is given every opportunity to disobey and get away with it, yet chooses obedience. I pray that God will give me the grace and strength to forgive whenever it is required of me.
And here I shall say, in the presence of the witnesses who read this, that I now forgive four teachers for all they have done against me: Tn Hj Khailani Abdul Jalil (Principal), En Othman Abdul Samad (Senior Assistant, Student Affairs), Tn Hj Nik Anuay Abdullah (Senior Assistant, Co-Curricular) and Pn Vasantha Mallar (Guru Cemerlang and V.E.B. Advisor).
The Lord forbid that I should do evil to my teachers. I let go. With all that is in me, and the strength God gives me, I am now letting go. I forgive all of you.
Moving On and Growing Up
It has been said (in some way related to James Bond, I think) that the first time is happenstance; the second, coincidence; and the third, enemy action. So what if there are four signs?
Number one: There was baby dedication during service this morning. Somehow it struck the father chord within me.
Number two: Last night, Li-Shia and I talked about growing up and becoming adults. What a scary thought!
Number three: Denise mentioned on her blog, that the V.I. is where boys become men.
Number four: The FES Marriage Conspiracy is materialising even more with every passing moment.
Bottom-line: we're growing up and I'm turning 20 in a year! The worst part is, my departure from the board feels like early retirement. Is this a subtle hint that I may indeed be 57 as Denise suspects?
Yet, truly, the last thing I can do is hide from God. Peter thought he was heading for early retirement when Jesus died. Next thing he knew, Jesus was alive and cooking breakfast on the shore of Galilee. Moses thought he was heading for early retirement when he was exiled from Egypt. Next thing he knew, he was shaping Israel's history. Their lives were never the same again.
David expressed God's omnipresence in Psalm 139:
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
With God, every end is a new beginning. I won't be a student and a teenager much longer, and though I know I will miss these carefree days, I look forward to what God will do with the rest of my life!
The Call
In wrapping up, I have these words to say: Congratulations on making it so far, and not giving up halfway through the entry!
The message of the NSCF Leaders' Camp last year still challenges me afresh each day. It is this: to be an apprentice of Jesus Christ. It is a straightforward call, but one which, in T.S. Eliot's words, costs no less than everything. As Jesus said in Luke 9:23-25, here quoted from the NIV:
"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?"
I can still recall Uncle Jason's question: "Is it easier to die for Christ, or live for Christ?" And my answer is the same as before: to die. To be an apprentice who takes the teachings of Christ seriously is to be the most radical kind of revolutionary in the world. After all, what school of thought teaches a person to turn the other cheek, give two cloaks to the one who asks for one, and bless those who spit on you?
In that quiz I took several days ago, I scored over 90% as Batman. Yet, as much as I like Batman, I desire to be 100% Disciple more than any sort of hero. And I am so grateful to my friends who give me courage and counsel in making decisions, and to my parents who tell me the truth especially when I don't want to hear it, because that's precisely when I must hear it.
On the penultimate day of the NSCF Leaders' Camp, we were told to read and paraphrase Psalm 139. I want to make the last words of this psalm my prayer for the next few weeks or months... or until the next shift in the Great God Experiment.
Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
When I won the Gold Medal as the Forensics earlier this year, I recalled Eliot's words in 'Little Gidding'. To me, I ended where I began, in Extemporaneous Speaking. I attempted to extend this philosophy when I stepped down from the Editor-in-Chief post, by asking to remain a normal member of the board, that I may last days in the board may mirror my first.
But now, in being 'reduced' to a normal student, no different from those in Form 1 save for my age and experience, I find that Li-Shia is right: I am truly ending as I began. Sometimes I feel a twinge of regret, for I had hoped so much to end my secondary school days on a high note. But I am reminded of Job's words:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked I shall return there
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the LORD."
--Job 1:21 (NASB)
Naked I entered into the V.I., and naked shall I depart. Nevertheless, the place where I began is not the same. When the hobbits returned to the Shire after their epic adventure, the 'ended' where they began, but it was never the same Shire, and they were never the same hobbits. Perhaps this is what Eliot meant when he said,
"We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time."
Blessed be the name of the Lord. Amen!
No comments:
Post a Comment