On Suicide and Salvation

In surveying the lyrics of Evanescence's songs, I find that an air of morbidity permeates all of them. Yet somehow there is an equally strong force of hope underlying all these suicidal sentiments. Consider excerpts from the following songs:


Going Under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again

Bring Me to Life

Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become
Bring me to life

Everybody's Fool

Without the mask where will you hide
Can't find yourself lost in your lie

Torniquet

My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied Christ
Torniquet
My suicide

Imaginary

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

Taking Over Me

I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live, to breathe
You're taking over me

My Last Breath

Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself
Are all my thoughts of you
Sweet raptured light
It ends here tonight


I doubt their music falls under the category of 'edifying music', but Ben Moody's words in the acknowledgements section became something of a source of hope for me in many dark days. He said, "Jesus--all the life left in me is you." Soo Tian once told me, "It's either I cling to God, or fall into nothing."

As I think about it, I believe Evanescence's message is not so much about physical suicide, as it is about dying to ourselves and finding whatever life we can in Christ alone. At least, that's how I see it.


Several weeks back, Soo Tian was doing an essay on human rights, with special focus on the ISA (Internal Security Act). It occurred to me that Isa (the Arabic form of 'Jesus') never cared much for human rights either. For, if He did unto us as we deserved, we would all be dead by now. But God turned the tables against logic, in the favour of love, and in His sacrifice prepared a way for us all.

At the judgement seat in heaven, we will not be judged as people are judged in the courtroom. On earth, judges are bound by the law. In heaven, God is the law, and because He is good, we have nothing to fear where justice is concerned. The judgement will be fair. But are we leading lives that would elicit a "Well done, good and faithful servant" from the mouth of the Master?


Li-Shia remarked, last night, that those who care for us most, often hurt us the worst when they do. Quite an accurate observation; it reflects the words of U2 in 'One':

We're one, but we're not the same
We hurt each other and we do it again

I also remember Sivin saying, "Only a friend can betray a friend." Come to think of it, our enemies never betray us, for treachery involves breaking trust. We never trust our enemies in the first place, do we? Only those to whom much trust is given can turn against us, and friends are such people.

But if I were to choose, I would take the risk and have friends anyway. Among my friends, I dare to be vulnerable to hurt, to betrayal. For vulnerability can bring healing just as it can bring hurt. At least, to me, it's a risk worth taking; I have never regretted it, for although friends can hurt, they are also quick to forgive and accept forgiveness.

As C.S. Lewis commented in The Four Loves, the members of a circle of true friends never choose one another; God does. And because friendship is in some ways God-ordained, we can count on the Master of all to keep these friendships going strong. He knows what's best for us.