Tee Ming's right; I am at a point where I know what I must do, and I know God has provided me with the necessary resources. Hardly any doubts remain, and it is not a matter of factual knowledge or uncertainty that stands in my way. The question is, do I want to do it?
We were talking about why we still lead Christian lives, although there is great temptation to do otherwise. Why do we hold on to our integrity, to believe and try our best to live righteous lives? The fight is far from over, and it will be many bloody Sundays later before I can dare to say, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
In the midst of my own sin and struggle, I found these words from Steven Curtis Chapman's song "I Am Found in You" very encouraging:
So where else could I turn
And where else could I go
You have given me life
You have made me whole
You have rescued my soul
So where else could I go
For I am found in You
Somehow, at the end of the day, I realize that a life without God, apart from him, isn't really a life at all. There is this stubborn creature within me that wants to do things my way, and each conscious decision to follow God's ways exacts a heavy price from me. Sometimes there isn't any indication that it's going to be worth it.
And yet I journey on, meandering and wondering what the point of it all is. Yet up until now, I can lash out at the Father, I can curse the Creator, I can shun the world and live in my little corner of self-indulgence... and still I will find that I cannot escape him.
If you look in me, chances are you won't find Jesus there. I don't really know if he lives in me anymore. But of this I am certain: no matter how far I run or hide, I am still found in him. God is great enough to have room even for one so depraved as I.
I don't know what to think. I don't know what to say. Maybe it's just wiser this time, to shut up.