In less than a week, I will be at the Pinggiran Pelangi NS camp in Bandar Muadzam Shah, Pahang, doing my term for some two months before Form 6 begins in mid-May.
As I reflect on the coming weeks, I am forced to confront my deepest motives, desires, hopes and expectations for the period of National Service. Where does God fit into the picture... or rather, where does this fit in God's big picture?
I wonder about the sort of personality I should carry with me into the camp; whether I should be warm or cold, taking a genuine interest in things or being indifferent, vocal or quiet, extroverted or introverted, friendly or reclusive.
Soo Tian told me this afternoon, something that Yen Mii told him prior to NS: it was to the effect of, "If you trust God much, he will do great things; but if you trust little, then he will not be able to do as much as he'd wanted to." I am still struggling very hard with what it means to really trust God, and especially so since this is such a major turn of events in my life thus far.
What role do I play? Will I lose my step on the stage, fall off and never rise again? Or in spite of that, can I trust the Lord of the Dance to keep me secure?
I will spend the week in reflection on this, though indeed I cannot stifle my anticipation for the SPM results, which will be announced come Thursday.
May it be as he pleases. What other way is there?