Monday, August 08, 2005

Hazy Days

Originally uploaded by mincaye.
(right: view of Times Square from my school's Form 6 block)

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."

-- Job 1:21

There's an amazing song I've recently had the pleasure of hearing, at the Bible Quiz, BLC and on a CD my Mum bought yesterday. It's called Blessed Be Your Name:

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

And blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
When I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all "as it should be"
Blessed be your name

And blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
"Lord blessed be your name"

The long and short of it is that I did badly in the recent exams. 50 for Pure Maths, 64 for Chemistry and 65 for Biology. My parents are very displeased, and are about to enforce various restrictions, not the least of them social.

My only chance of redeeming myself lies in the finals this year, come October. Ironically, if I do well, it gets their expectations high for next year, and burdens me with more stress to maintain my performance.

What hurts the most is that this should happen in the midst of my other self-imposed restriction. Cut off from one of my confidantes and possibly many of my companions, I can only wonder what lies ahead.

I like the song above, maybe because its chords remind me of U2's With or Without You, one of my favourite songs. And then the lyrics... was thinking about them after my parents talked to me just now.

Dare I say "Lord blessed be your name"?

It is solely by the grace of God that I enjoyed a dynamic social life over the last 20 months, so much so that the friends I made within this period find it hard to believe I am by nature an introvert.

But is this now the time to pause from all that? To pause from d'NA, from emergent, from blogging and photography, in order to re-focus my academic life? It's only going to last about 10 weeks, till the exams are over in October. Yet it feels like ages.

In faith will I press on. My heart will choose to say, "Lord blessed be your name." What he has given, he has every right to take away.

Days seem to be getting hazier and hazier, not just physically, but also in my emotions and my heart. Yet will I hope in the Lord, and yet will I look forward to the showers of rejoicing that must sooner or later fall.



jedibaba said...

Er... I know this is no comfort but I flunked my first Chem test in Form 6! Lower 6 is a time to fine tune not just your academics but also life in general! And that's a lot. Never easy...
But you'll be fine.

Foreign Stranger said...

Hello, Ben. Ten weeks can feel such a long time. It's tough, pulling back from contact with people for such a length of time just when it seems to be going great. May I say though, put a purpose into this period, goals and targets of what you want for this period - academics and perhaps some others as well. I hope that at the end of it, or some time after, you will be able to look back and say: Yes, I went through that for a reason. We'll be waiting for you.

silentsoliloquy said...

I will miss your online presence. May we emerge from trudging through harsh terrain clinging on to the conviction that though the pruning be painful, for the sake of bearing Fruit we must endure it.