But for Grace...

O God, forgive me. Forgive me.

These words sound so empty, after being uttered umpteen times. Does repentance mean anything to you anymore? Does it mean anything to me?

The trouble with sin is, it encroaches upon an empty mind and heart. When I've lost all purpose to live, I turn to vice. I give myself away to passing desires and passions of the flesh.

And then... I realise they're all illusions -- empty promises of joy and fulfillment. And yet, it's not like your promises seem stronger. No, they seem even more illusory.

How can I believe in something I cannot see? But yet I do. I am waiting and hoping for those promised words, but the wait only makes me weaker. Lord, save me from this temptation. Lead me not into the test. Abba. Father.


These words (Jars of Clay's 'Worlds Apart'), echo so much of what I feel somewhere deep inside:

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
battle between grace and pride
give up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
this sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world apart


It's so empty. What kind of grace is this, that I claim to believe, and yet betray almost every day? And what kind of grace is this, that claims "You will give up on yourself before God ever will"? Why do you still pursue?

There is so much that is selfish and weak in me, none of which I can hide. And even the souls who share my burdens cannot lift them for me. No one can redeem this sin-soaked heart but you.

O God, I make this vow. It's 11:03 p.m., Monday October 24, 2005. Just an insignificant moment in an insignificant history. But if you can, and if you will, I give my world to you. Take it apart, God. So much better broken in you than 'whole' in me.

Bring me back to this post, this entry, O Father, from time to time, should I ever reach the brink of falling. Forgive me, God (I know you will). But what good is it if I am forgiven to no end, but just 'forgiveness'? You desire goodness within; I am evil, full of sin.

You're not finished with me... but this plan of yours, it's so vague. Why not squander everything? The whole problem is that God does not give up! If only you'd stop pursuing me, I could live this selfish, self-seeking life! But you don't.

Sooner or later, I will be broken with nothing left but you. Let it be sooner. Break me, God, break me. I will await those words patiently. Bring them swiftly, O God, and help me keep this vow. For as long as it takes, as long as you will.

Make me yours. Let me never forget. (Satan, go bite the dust). Amen.