Parents

These are people who are often hard to live with, for various reasons. Everyone's experience is different, as Leo Tolstoy writes in the first sentence of his book, 'Anna Karenina':

"Every happy family is alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

But I am inclined to believe that it is for this very reason that God puts us with (or even pits us against) our parents. If the obstacles to building strong relationships with our parents can be overcome, I doubt there are many higher hurdles awaiting us out there.

Dealing with parents is an exercise in learning patience, wisdom, love, forgiveness and grace, among other defining values of character. Sometimes it's like the U2 song 'With or Without You':

With or without you, with or without you
I can't live with or without you

(OK, I admit. The lyrics don't mean much. But the music is simply soaring. Do listen to it if you get the chance).

I realise that my parents are neither unreasonable nor ignorant, that they simply want the best for me. But sometimes this has the effect of the man who wanted to save the fish from drowning. The story goes, that he saw fish swimming in the sea. So he had pity on them, and pulled them onto the land to save them from drowning. Needless to say, they all died.

However, the parallel ends there. The man's intentions were good, but his understanding was seriously flawed. The difference is this: my parents intentions are good, and their understanding often beyond my comprehension. I am a fish, but not merely that; I am a fish destined one day to be a land animal.

It is as C.S. Lewis wrote in his 'Reflections on the Psalms.' He commented on how we find time so alien an entity (hence exclamations like "How time flies!" and "My, how you've grown!"), and goes on to say:

"It is as if a fish were repeatedly surprised at the wetness of water. And that would be strange indeed; unless of course the fish were destined to become, one day, a land animal."

The argument that 'my parents are from another generation/era/epoch/universe' holds about as much water as a sieve. Rather, I am inclined to think that my parents look at me from 'the other side' -- they've been where I am (exact circumstances make no difference), and they want me to go further than they did. They are not detracting me from my path, but are helping me make the most of it.

Recently, I have learned that age and experience do bring with them certain depths of wisdom that cannot come with any amount of study and training. For instance, I know that it is common for most teenagers to consider as spiritually mature, those of their peers who seem to be 'deep,' i.e. saturated with much theological and Biblical knowledge. I was one of these, what with my relatively extensive reading.

But now I know that maturity goes beyond that, and it takes many failures and emotional blows to build character -- something that only comes with life, and life alone.

I suppose it's like Big Fish (the book and the movie), in which the son could never quite understand why his father never told him the 'truth' about his life, but resorted instead to legendary tales of marvellous deeds and experiences. But in the end, the son himself slowly assumes the role of storyteller, and the cycle begins again. Or so it seems.

What really happens, I think, is that the father's story becomes one with the son, and the legacy that's left behind is not so much the father's great feats and great failings, but the father himself.

And so, I will press on, and seek to love my parents more, knowing that one day I'll expect the same of my children.